Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Port of Booty Call

These lowlifes just blow on the breeze 
Yo ho! They disrobe where they please
Dropping anchor in port
It's with skanks they cavort
Their gonads two globes of disease.
Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) leads a cursed crew in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003). 

Monday, September 29, 2014

Salty Doggerel

These scalawags kill, rape and pillage
Then bail out the bilge-water spillage
Now these villainous scum
Who swill the worst rum
Set sail for your ill-equipped village.

Image: Pirates attack in Anne of the Indies ( Jacques Tourneur; 1951).

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Avast! Conspiracy

The pirate will pillage and plunder
Yelling "Fire!", their cannons will thunder 
Opened wide from the blast
You'll be tied to the mast
And expire as your frigate goes under.

Image: a frame from Anne of the Indies ( Jacques Tourneur; 1951)

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The Errol of His Ways

If your swashes need buckling call Flynn
For panache and a puckish, wry grin
This Tasmanian devil
Will zanily revel
Then he'll - gosh! - tuck proverbially "in".

David Cairns

Errol Flynn as English privateer Geoffrey Thorpe, The Sea Hawk (Michael Curtiz;1940).

Friday, September 26, 2014


With cries of "En garde!" and "Have at you!"
This pirate ain't scared to combat you
This red buccaneer
Has the world by the ear
With his quiet compadre Cravat too.

 David Cairns

Nick Cravat is the mute Ojo, and Burt Lancaster is Captain Vallo, The Crimson Pirate (Robert Siodmak; 1952)

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Stunt Double Play

Human flies to a parapet cling
Way up high in the air they will swing
And the feats they attempt
From repeats are exempt:
They could die, or end wearing a sling.

Image: Nick Cravat and Burt Lancaster in The Crimson Pirate (Robert Siodmak; 1952). Cravat and Lancaster created an acrobatic act called Lang and Cravat in the early 1930s, and worked in various circuses and in vaudeville. Cravat co-starred with Lancaster in nine films.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


A nimble and quick acrobat
Was the thimble-sized, slick, Nick Cravat
Though his stature was short
Wee Cravat could cavort
Dance the limbo and bell the ship's cat.

David Cairns

Nick Cravat as Ojo, sidekick to Burt Lancaster, The Crimson Pirate (Robert Siodmak; 1952).

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Seasick 'n Twisted

When lacking a playmate that's curvy
These jackals will stray to the pervy
Missing fruits in the larder
Listless brutes lose their ardor
On their backs, turning grey from the scurvy.

The crew gets scurvy in The Crimson Pirate (Robert Siodmak; 1952). Title by fruitful David Cairns.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Burt Force

Scaling masts hand o'er hand is our Burt
Leaping fast, he can land without hurt
For the rum he'll be swigging
As he jumps from the rigging
Keeps this master/commander alert.

David Cairns

Burt Lancaster used his considerable acrobatic skills as The Crimson Pirate (Robert Siodmak; 1952). Sadly, Lancaster's interference as a producer drove director Robert Siodmak back to Europe. We're taking a break from horror, monsters and Frankenstein.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Arrrh is for Robert

Robert Newton's a jolly jack tar
With a parrot called Polly he'll spar
And this slimy ship's cook
Needs no eye-patch or hook
To let rip with a rollicking "ARRRH!"

David Cairns

Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. The day's patron saint is the late English actor Robert Newton, best remembered for playing the wild-eyed Long John Silver and inventing the phrase "Arrrgh, matey!" in the Walt Disney version of Treasure Island. That portrayal became the standard for screen portrayals of pirates and he is often credited with inventing the stereotypical "pirate voice" by exaggerating the accent of his native West Country.

Image: Robert Newton as Long John Silver in Treasure Island (Byron Haskin, 1950), with Bobby Driscoll. Newton also played the colorful pirate in Return to Treasure Island (54), Long John Silver (54), and a television series, The Adventures of Long John Silver (1955).

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Pardon us...

We'll be back after a short break.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

My Fuzzy Valentine


With her hair in a tower of frizz
She's a scary and powerful Ms.
I would woo her to wed
But we two belong dead
As she glares, a KAPOW! makes us fizz.

David Cairns

The Monster (Boris Karloff) blows up the Bride (Elsa Lanchester) in  Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Monday, September 15, 2014

Bride's Dead Revisited

What spells bliss in his shoddy old brain 
Is a miss with a bod to profane 
But his search for a "friend"
Here will lurch to an end
With a hiss from this odd ball and chain.

The Bride rejects the Monster: Elsa Lanchester and Boris Karloff in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Sad State of the Union

He had hopes that his dreams she'd fulfill
But the dope's self-esteem rolled downhill 
Just one peek at his face
And she'd shriek, not embrace
There's no coping with screaming so shrill.


Colin Clive, Elsa Lanchester, Ernest Theisinger and Boris Karloff as the monster in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Wedded Blitz


In a thunderous storm she's created
With a son who's abnormal she's mated
But his bliss will be gone
When she'll hiss like a swan
It's no wonder -- his form is R-rated.

David Cairns
Elsa Lanchester's Bride isn't too happy to see Boris Karloff's Monster in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Friday, September 12, 2014

Behind the Mate Ball

He's a patchwork of dearly departed
And a catch-all that's clearly re-started
Craving mate by his side
They create him a bride
But his "match's" Bronx cheer only smarted.

As the Bride, Elsa Lanchester is one of the most memorable scream queens of all. With Colin Clive,  Boris Karloff and Ernest Theisinger in Bride of Frankenstein (1935). Title by behind-the-times Norm Knott.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Unbridaled Sweet


This a la carte Jack wants a Jill
Just a doll who'll play part of twin bill
But his dreams as intended
By her screams have been ended
So he'll swallow his heart and he'll kill.

As the bride, Elsa Lanchester makes a most unusual scream queen; with Boris Karloff as the Monster, in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). Title by David "Sweetback" Cairns.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

From This Day Backward

To the shindig it's not been invited
Almost kin, it feels rotten when slighted
When it shows, the poor bride,
Who has nowhere to hide,
Like a ninny grows overexcited.

Bride-to-be Elizabeth (scream queen Mae Clarke) has an unexpected visitor in the monster (Boris Karloff): Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Lagoon Show

This beauty we thrilled seeing wet
Her suit nicely filled won't forget
Through the weeds she was swimming
Our libidos were brimming
In pursuit something gilled made us sweat.

Julie Adams swam into our hearts (and other parts) in Creature From the Black Lagoon (Jack Arnold; 1954). Title by show-stopper David Cairns.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Ingrate Expectations

In the dank of the forest she'd sink
But he yanks her ashore from the drink
With her butt safe, if wet,
Just what thanks does he get?
From Franky in horror she'll shrink.

The Frankenstein Monster (Boris Karloff) saves a young shepherdess (Anne Darling) from drowning. Her screams upon seeing him alert two hunters, who shoot and injure the creature: Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Friday, September 5, 2014

The Bride and Doom


Unshowered, unhip and un-sane
Full of power but zip on the brain
So dumb that it blunders
So clumsy, one wonders
Just how it won't trip on her train.

Like a horrific Harpo, the Monster chases Elizabeth, bride-to-be of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931): Boris Karloff and Mae Clarke, today's Scream Queens. Title by doomsayer David Cairns.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Dreading Bells

Her wedding night's quite the sensation
But instead of a light celebration,
A guest of the groom
Did its best to spread doom,
And she fled from the frightful creation.

Mae Clarke earns scream queen cred as Elizabeth, bride-to-be of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). With Boris Karloff as the Monster. Title by penny dreadful David Cairns.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Gargoyle, Interrupted

Bringing water for misshape, distressed
In a Notre Dame drape she is dressed
She's a right Gypsy goddess
In her tight and ripped bodice
When he's got her he gapes, quite impressed.

David Cairns

Charles Laughton ogles luminous, 18 year old Maureen O'Hara in The Hunchback of Notre Dame (William Dieterle; 1939).

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Poni Express

She's the aid to this flaky old gent
And to Hades he'll make his descent
He is way out of line
She's astray at her spine
Though the lady's not breaking, she's bent.

Jane "Poni" Adams (real name Betty Jane Bierce) plays the hunchback Nina in House Of Dracula (1945); Onslow Steven is Dr. Franz Edelmann, who becomes infected by the blood of Dracula.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Ramsay's the Second

She's the dreamboat ol' Kharis would marry
But it seems as a partner he's scary
Before late Nefertiti,
This hot date was his sweetie
Now she screams! It's her carcass he'll carry.

Lovely Ramsay Ames plays Amina Mansori, the reincarnated Princess Ananka, and Lon Chaney Jr. is Kharis, the undying Mummy, in Universal's The Mummy's Ghost (1944). Title by second fiddler David Cairns.